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However, if people ask me what is the most important action we can take to improve our relationships and stay in love, I do have an answer, and that is to just be kind. With all these below-the-surface elements of defense operating in our relationship, being caring and loving toward our partner stops feeling so easy and straight-forward. However, at the end of the day, being kind is the only real action we can take to improve our relationship. The only person we have any real control over is ourselves.
The more we come to know and understand ourselves and our defenses, the more Sweet wife want real sex Kinder learn that the struggle to love and be loved is very much internal. So, how can we silence the inner critic that tells us not to be vulnerable? How can we foster more kindness in ourselves, and what specific actions can we take to create more loving feelings and interactions with our partner?
Feel the feeling, but do the right thing. This is one of my favorite things relationship expert and author of The Truth about LovePat Lovetells couples. Whatever you feel is acceptable: hurt, anger, insecurity. Your feelings are reactions that you have little control over that help you know yourself. However, how you act is within your control. When you feel triggered by your partner, try to take a breath or take a walk before you react.
Find ways to calm yourself down, so that you can feel whatever you feel then act in a way that reflects the outcome you truly desire. Be the person you want to be in your relationship. Break from your past. They may never have witnessed it in their original family or felt it in their past relationships. In this way, love can feel painful or threatening.
All of a sudden, you feel vulnerable, as if you have a lot to lose or can be hurt all over again. In this state, you may do a lot of things to squelch those feelings of love in order to feel more comfortable or familiar. You may stop treating your partner in ways that would draw him or her closer. In order to move forward, you have to be willing to let go of the past and surpass it by being even more vulnerable and open to love. Letting go of your defenses will let more love into your life. Drop your half of the dynamic.
One technique I often share with couples to help them end an argument is to practice unilateral disarmament. Then reach out to your partner, show concern and care and stick with the behavior of being kind.
If you notice that you have intense feelings of jealousy, anger, etc. Is your partner really rejecting you or might you be distorting reality? Who would want to be with you anyway? In any circumstance, you can choose to be the loving person you want to be. We become so distracted and lost in our own he that we stop thinking of our partner as a real person being affected by us. Take time to try to grasp what your partner feels and experiences when interacting with you. What does how you act make them feel?
Simply paying attention to your partner and acknowledging their feelings will make them feel safe and seen. Then, you can be kind by engaging in behavior that acknowledges their wants and desires. Show care and concern in a way your partner would experience as loving. Just bringing a cup of tea or offering a random act of affection can shift the entire dynamic of your day to be more loving and romantic.
However, you feel a lot better doing things for your partner, because it makes you feel good and not so you can get ahead in the scorebook. Kindness need not be quantified. You can always clearly say what you want. However, when you get too focused on who owes who what and why, you may start to feel resentful and bitter.
You lose track of your real goal, which is to make you and your partner feel happy and close. When we have something precious, we become fearful of what we can lose. However, if we acknowledge these painful feelings and fearful reactions, we can be aware of when they arise, but still choose to persevere by remaining kind and close to the people we love.
How do I do that? I try to help out around the house as it is. What can I do? About the Author.
Lisa Firestone, Ph. An accomplished and much requested lecturer, Dr. Firestone speaks at national and international conferences in the areas of couple relations, parenting, and suicide and violence prevention. Follow Dr. Firestone on Twitter or Google. Related Articles. Great stuff!! Most helpful!! Listen to the song of the same title, one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Reply Tunnel vision Reply. A study by Stress in America recently revealed that Millennials ages 18 to 33 report the highest stress levels of….
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